Stop telling boys that real manhood is rooted in testosterone and privilege, writes Gunjeet Sra

We have all suffered at the hands of the questionable code of ethics which is the #brocode at some point in our lives, both men and women. Long before #BoisLockerRoom online, there were phone calls, malicious rumours, all boys clubs and exclusive groups that thrived on the stifling list of rules that bound them together in an endless vortex of misogyny and self loathing. Finding its idea in the root of masculinity and its definition, the bro code is equally punishing to both men and women. 

For men, it is a limited list of options—you either toe the line of hyper-masculine aggression, power play, athleticism and assertion or face the consequences of being rejected as ‘masculine’ from your peers and deal with bullying. As women who grow up in a traumatically patriarchal environment that treats their personhood like a 2d character, validating its existence only in context to its 3d male dominated world, little girls on their way to womanhood are taught early on to play the roles that will help them navigate their way through this environment. The choices given to them are simple—you either align in your role as a second class citizen or pay the consequences of having a voice and exercising your right to personhood. 

One of the biggest things feminism as a movement has done is legitimise the right of women to question patriarchy. Perhaps it is imperative, now more than ever, to raise feminist allies alongside feminist daughters, so that they can grow up to understand that there is more than one way of being a man. So that they are enabled enough to know that if need be, they too can carve a space for themselves to talk about the unsaid issues that are by products of the hyper masculine narrative that society shoves down their throat and be secure enough to question it.

Men need to be enabled to carve a safe space to talk about the harmful impact that toxic masculinity has had on their lives

Paradoxically, we also now live in a world where terms like sexist, toxic masculinity, patriarchy, feminism are widely discussed and normalised. The #Metoo movement recently made history and the term woke is considered basic. Yet we find ourselves in the middle of a situation where 15 year old boys are caught sexualising their classmates, morphing their pictures and making rape threats against them. All these boys belong to upper class families, go to private schools and live a life of privilege. What made them act out in such a way? Even the school seems confused, in a statement, one school says, “It appears that some of the students who were part of the group were from our school. By the time we got to know, a complaint had already reached police. It does come as a shock to us as we have an atmosphere in school that encourages discussion around issues of gender and respect, as well as cyber crime. We have had several workshops. Schools try to build a secure but open space for children where discussion is encouraged. I also believe that the involvement of parents in their children’s lives is very important when it comes to things like these. Parents need to take on these roles, and not just that of disciplining or leaving the child alone altogether. They are ready to give children unfettered access to smartphones but, in many cases, the discussions around responsibility and respect are missing.” 

Meanwhile the Cyber Cell has taken Suo Moto action against the group, filed an FIR, arrested one student and is questioning others. But in two days, the discourse on the subject has gone from, why did the boys do it, to the one focusing on the possibilities of their futures being ruined. In September 2017, the Punjab and Haryana High Court issued an order suspending the 20-year prison term imposed on students of a private university for gang-rape and granted them bail. In its order, the court blamed the “degenerative mindset” of the young for the crime. 

Why do we continue to make concessions for terrible male behaviour? 

Despite Op-eds on the subject, government initiatives and even death sentences to perpetrators of sexual violence, women continue to be targeted repeatdely in this country. Even as #BoisLockerRoom continues to trend, a sexist campaign against arrested scholar Safoora Zargar lso continues to gain steam. We live in a volatile culture that perpetuates hate towards women as a right of passage into manhood and yet act surprised when we see it reflected back at us via children. 

Ever since the Nirbhaya case in 2012, upper class Indians have struggled to come to terms with the idea that sexual violence is a problem across socio-economic classes. Often unwilling to address the problem, they often lead a narrative that blames this violence on people from lower income groups, deftly ‘othering’ the problem. Ignoring the fact that this is a country where it is a man’s prerogative to demand sex from his wife, making it okay for a husband to rape his partner. Meaning at the very heart of our family dynamics and society as a whole, we have deeply skewed power dynamics which we are unwilling to discuss. We also turn a blind eye to the fact that we kill the girl child and have an obsession with having a male progeny and this is most rampant in posh South Delhi. We raise our boys with an unhealthy amount of male privilege from an early age, constantly reminding them of the special status that they enjoy in this world. Even today, we encourage our girls to be vacant, malleable and quiet, or to view their rebellious outspokenness as an indulgence that we allow them out of benevolence. When terrible things happen to them, we blame them for daring to have a personhood and making  choices, we tell them to suck up to the consequences and allow no room for mistakes. We take away their phones, lock them up and limit their access to opportunities. All the while, encouraging our boys to reign free and make mistakes because you know, boys will be boys.